Late Night Outpouring

So, it's way past my bed time, but I can't sleep, so I might as well write some things that are on my mind.

First off, can I say how grateful I am for the Lord's hand in my life. I see His hand in my life everyday, and I am so eternally grateful to know that, even though He makes me make my own decisions, He is giving me the tools to do so, and He cares about me every step of the way. Today was kind of an emotional rollercoaster for me (go figure, I'm a girl..) but it was at the same time, one of the most reflective, best days I've had in a while. As I was driving today, I felt the warmth of the sun on my face (Hallelujah, spring is coming!) and the wind in my hair, and I knew, I know He is there. Sometimes we pray and we pray, and we hope beyond hope that He is listening to our prayers. I plead for the answers to my questions and direction in my life, and I sometimes feel like I'm not getting anything. Actually, I feel like that quite often. But then, I realize - He does care, and He is giving me the answers. He's giving me His trust by allowing me to take a step into the unknown. He knows that I know the path and that I'm trying my best to stay on it. And, you know, as I felt His warmth from the sun and I thought about life, I realized how much He really does care for me, and really does want me, and all of us, to succeed in life.

I've been thinking so much lately that it's really been taking a toll in my focusing abilities when it comes to school work. I just have so many thoughts on my mind, that I can't seem to get them down on paper fast enough, or process them quickly enough to be able to put my energy into my schooling as I'd like to. Hopefully running and writing things down will help me better able to concentrate. I really am grateful for the thoughts and the insight that I have gained from my reflection and the wise words of roommates this week, though.

I'm also grateful for His tender mercies in my life. There are little things that happen everyday that just leave me feeling so loved and absolutely glowing because I know it's no coincidence the way life pans out. Every time I begin to doubt, or I momentarily let Satan enter in, He's always there reminding me of His presence and His love. He doesn't have to, and I know I don't deserve it, but He loves me anyway. For this, I will forever be grateful.

I'm also so very, very grateful for my amazing roommates. I honestly don't know what I would do without them. They bless my life in so many ways that I can't even begin to express how much they mean to me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has led me here, and blessed me with such amazing angels in my life.

And you know what, most of all, I'm grateful for my trials. I sometimes think I'm weird for thinking this, but I often find myself having the conversation with myself time and time again. I am grateful for the hard things in my life. They have shaped, and continue to shape the person I am and am becoming. I'm learning the lessons that will change my heart and bring me closer to Him. Like the refiner's fire, I am being made into something better...

I know that God has great things in store for me in my life, and I pray that I can live up to them.

You Are Worth It.

I've had a handful of different experiences lately that have really confirmed to me of my own personal self-worth. And, as these experiences don't seem to come often enough, and I know that we can all benefit from them, I thought that I'd share a couple of them in the off chance that you might glean something from them as well.

This past week I was having a hard time with myself - you know, the normal arguments with myself about where I'm going in life, and what my focuses are at that moment. I was feeling a little down when it came to self-esteem and self-worth and had regressed in my perspective, you could say. Right at the pinnacle of these self-doubting thoughts, I had a friend bluntly tell me, "Tiffany, you're worth it. You're worth anything and everything." This friend didn't know of my struggles, and wasn't aware of my thoughts. This comment came without the knowledge of the impact it would leave on me. Oh, how grateful I am for the Lord's hand in my life, and I hope that I can bless the lives of others as my friends bless mine everyday.

Another experience was a dream I had just last night. I won't go too deep into the details of the dream.. but I think the impressions and lessons I learned from the dream are quite significant. I seem to dream the most right before I wake up in the morning... which stinks because I usually wake up before the dream concludes or before I get to the good parts. But, it can also be a good thing because often I remember the dreams quite vividly, as with this particular dream. In this dream, I was surrounded by people from my life that I consider to be rocks, people that live upstanding, worthy lives. During the dream, I didn't necessarily realize this as some of the people there seemed out of place because we aren't that close in real-life, but after I woke up, I realized that I have looked up to all of these people in my life. From this dream, I realized that God really has blessed me and surrounded me with amazing people. He has given me people to look up to and admire, and these people have all blessed my life even in the smallest, simplest of ways. I realized that I am not and will never be alone. In the dream, I had made some not so great choices with my life, but all of these people that I look up to were there and still cared about me. I was reminded that no matter what happens, I will be loved - by my family and friends, but especially by my Heavenly Father and my Savior. And, I felt a greater portion of my worth. No matter what path I choose, I am still of infinite worth and am still a daughter of a King. Nothing can change that - not a bad decision, not an attitude. Nothing. Don't worry, I'm not making any terrible choices in life, or heading off on a path into the abyss.. But we all stray. We all have moments where we get too close to the edge, and we stumble a bit and then doubt that we have the strength to get back to where we want to be. But why do we doubt ourselves??

This past Sunday, my stake held Stake Conference. It was amazing, and I learned and was reminded of so much. I feel that I have a lot of things that I want to work on improving in my life, but I won't get overwhelmed. I really felt invigorated after the conference. During the conference, Pres. Child discussed fear and self-doubt. I felt like a sponge soaking up all the words he shared with us. One thing he said really rung true with me. He mentioned how sometimes our desires do not align with our actions because of fear. I sometimes feel this way. I know that there are ways that I could better myself and my life, but for some reason I get caught up thinking that I'll never be good enough, or I can't do such and such a thing. Fear can be overpowering and consuming if we let it. President Child spoke of replacing this fear with hope and faith and perfect love (1 John 4:18). By placing our faith in the Lord and remembering our worth, we can dispel fear in our lives and live confidently.

I'm not perfect, and I'm not perfectly confident, but I have been reminded of my worth, and the love my Heavenly Father has for me. I'm thankful for the little moments and the little conversations that remind me of my own worth and cause me to "remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" (D&C 18:10). I realize that cultivating hope will dispel the fear from my life, and I know that "we learn to cultivate hope the same way we learn to walk - one step at a time."

And, so with patience and a determination to do better each day, I press on.